    In the Moment—
One Pilgrim's Attempt to Be Present
Amy Sander Montanez is a writer, teacher, therapist, retreat leader, and spiritual director who attends Trinity Cathedral, Columbia.
You can access an archive with her award-winning reflections on the diocesan Web site at www.edusc.org/News and learn more about Amy at her Web site, www.amysandermontanez.com.
Awakening from a dream
“Open your eyes. Take a deep breath. Sit up.
You’re dreaming,” I told myself over and over.
Awakening from these kind of dreams, the ones that
you feel so deeply in your body you are sure they
are happening, is a precarious act. My dream, my
unconscious, was pulling me back in. I, my waking
self, wanted to get out. It was an uncomfortable
tension.
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This particular dream did not feel good. I
was troubled upon awakening. I wanted to shake it
off, to get out of it. Yet I knew it was trying to
tell me something, and probably something I did not
want to hear and something I did not already know.
Because I believe that all dreams come to us in the
service of our wholeness and healing, I was able to
allow myself a few more minutes within the dream. I
did finally sit up in bed, encouraging myself to
breathe, to pray, to ask the Holy for guidance as I
opened myself to the possibilities of the dream
message.
This dream, I believe, was taking me back about
thirty years. I was being asked to consider, to
reconsider, the meaning of certain events from that
time in my life. New light was being shed thirty
years later. I was being asked to do another layer
of emotional work and to allow for new healing. The
vulnerability I was feeling left me weak and scared.
I wanted my husband, who was out of town, and a girlfriend, who lives in another city, to hold me.
Sitting with this alone was not fun; still I think
it was meant to be. I needed the time to turn to God
only with all of my fears and to let the Holy
Mystery soothe me.
Why am I dreaming this? What do these symbols mean?
Who is this person in the dream? How is it that this
stirs me so deeply? As I held all of these questions
up in prayer the possibilities began to unfold.
Events from a friend’s life were triggering events
from my earlier life. God knew I needed another look
at all of that and provided me with a new lens. It
didn’t feel good. Still doesn’t. I am not thrilled
about feeling and looking at this again. Thought I
was done with all of it.
There’s a saying, “ If you want to make God laugh,
tell him your plans.” I laughed remembering this
saying. “Okay, God,” I heard myself saying. “You
win. I am not done with this and you are not done
with me. You want me to be healed from the inside
out. That light You are shedding is a little
startling, though. I am squinting at best. A little
dimmer, a little slower would be better. I promise
to hang in there. I believe you are with me.”
Healing is like this. It doesn’t usually happen all
at once. We revisit the wounds in our life time and
time again to find another layer of God’s grace and
mercy, another possible way that in God’s
sovereignty our wounds will be used, another place
that needs to be surrendered to the Great Healer. It
might hurt. It might be scary. My mother use to say,
“Being responsible is not for the faint of heart.”
She was right, and I believe the healing journey is
worth the pain and fear.
©2010 Amy Sander Montanez, D.Min.
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