Amy Sander Montanez is a writer, teacher, therapist, retreat leader, and spiritual director who attends Trinity Cathedral, Columbia. You can access an archive with her award-winning reflections on the diocesan Web site at www.edusc.org/News and learn more about Amy at her Web site, www.amysandermontanez.com.
In the Moment—One Pilgrim's Attempt to Be Present
By Amy Sander Montanez, D. Min.
I did it. Or rather my daughter did it for me. I am on Facebook.
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I have resisted mightily for years and for several good reasons. First,
I don’t have the time to be tied up with more technology. As it is, I
feel like technological pulls are already wreaking havoc on my life. I
used to have more time to play the piano, read, and talk to friends. My
friends used to have more time to talk to me. I am convinced this is the
impact of technology on our lives. To have to check one more thing, keep
up with one more thing, or write on one more thing just feels like too
much. It ratchets up my anxiety. In my email inbox every day are
messages from Facebook. Someone has written on my wall, commented on my
status, or some such thing. Can I chose to ignore this?
Next round of resistance. Do I really want people from all walks of my
life looking at my pictures and reading my comments? What if someone
“friends” me and I don’t want to “friend” them. And do I want to have to
stay current? It also feels artificial to me.
Another resistance. I won’t be able to do it right. I will screw it all
up and somehow embarrass myself. When I do screw it up, it will take too
much time to figure out how to fix it. I won’t be able to “get out” of
it because it will be an eternal mess.
Here’s the official first check-in. The most fun thing that has happened
is that my middle-school students from 1978-1986 have found me. This is
hilarious and wonderful. They are in their late 30’s and early 40’s now.
They have careers and spouses and children. Some are educators, some are
professionals, others are musicians and artists. A few are married to
classmates which is really humorous. Their pictures are fun to see. They
mostly look like themselves only older. I had them stuck at 13 years old
but they’re not. Time has marched on! They have all been extremely kind
and told me I look exactly the same as I did back then. Ha! They have
also affirmed who I was at that point in my life. Their kindness to me
and generous compliments have uplifted me and reminded me of a part of
my life that seems so far away. It’s a little bit like attending a
virtual reunion.
Being found by high school classmates has also been amusing. I am amazed
at the path people’s lives have taken. The girl with the most beautiful
voice in our class is no longer singing. I can’t imagine that. The “
Best Looking” guy is not so good-looking anymore, and the two smartest
ones are married to each other. People remember me in ways I no longer
remember myself.
This is a bizarre thing to me. On one hand, it is a little whimsical to
have these connections. I love networking and I love people and this is
fun. On the other hand, I don’t really know them and they don’t really
know me anymore. It feels like a so-called “niceity,” but one that is not
necessarily bad.
What it has raised up in me mostly, though, is how much I miss and want
to be with people who really know me now and people who have known me
with some kind of continuity. I saw a colleague yesterday in the parking
lot and we both commented on how much we miss each other. She’s known me
for over twenty-five years, and I found myself yearning for time with
her. While out of town last weekend we shared a meal with a friend who’s
know me for almost thirty-five years, and I basked in the comfort of
that knowing. For me, there is no substitute for the deep bonds of
friendship and the intimate understandings that come from years of
investing in relationships. I want to be really known, really
understood, and valued as a part of a community that can physically see
and touch each other. I can see that virtual community has some real
value. In this moment, however, I still chose being able to physically
see and touch another person, and to be seen and touched.
©2010 Amy Sander Montanez, D.
Min.